SLOPWARE™ - Soft goods for hard times

STATUS: MINT PENDING · PRE-PRODUCTION

Acquisition

The line is being calibrated for public output. A date has not been set; the factory does not keep a calendar. When the line opens, units will be issued in two passes - and the manifest is open now.

WHITELIST PASS

~$2

For names on the manifest. Issued first.

PUBLIC PASS

~$3

For everyone else. Issued after, if any remain.

1,024 units · Ethereum · via Transient Labs · price paid in ETH at mint

Submit your wallet to the manifest. The factory will note it. Inclusion is recorded, not guaranteed. We collect the wallet address only - no email. The factory does not write letters.

By submitting you ask to be recorded on the SLOPWARE manifest. This is not a guarantee of allocation. The factory retains all records indefinitely, including this one.

What it is

SLOPWARE™ is a soft-goods manufacturer. We make office slop: plush toys of office things - a printer, a kettle, a wifi router, a sad desk plant - each one a cursed plush that became briefly sentient on the production line and now has a small embroidered patch showing what it is thinking. The thought is rarely good. Every unit is individually flawed. This is not a defect. This is the product.

The factory

The SLOPWARE FACTORY was built on research. Before a single unit was made, we catalogued the modern office - 512 distinct objects across 35 departments. This became the taxonomy. The taxonomy was built into a combinatorial line. The line does not repeat itself. It is incapable of it. We documented the office. Then we manufactured it. We are not sure why.

The product

512 product lines. Two of each. 1,024 units, none of them okay.

The full SLOPWARE collection - 1,024 units

Renders coming soon.

Specimen index

The full inventory. All 1,024 units are accounted for. Filtering is permitted. Removal is not.

Animations

The units, in motion. Quietly.

Animations coming soon. Name each clip after its object (e.g. cctv.mp4), drop it in media/video/, and rebuild - hovering that plush on the site will play it.

Departments

512 product lines across 35 departments. A sample of each.

Tech69

3D Printer, ATM, Badge Reader, Barcode Scanner, Binding Machine +64 more

Supplies55

Abacus, Binder Clip, Blu-Tack, Box File, Bulldog Clip +50 more

Internet46

2FA Token, Airplane Mode, Autocorrect, Blue Screen, Broken Image +41 more

Fun38

Advent Calendar, Chess Set, Dartboard, Debugging Duck, Desk Bobblehead +33 more

Breakroom36

Biscuit Tin, Breakroom Banana, Breakroom Dishwasher, Breakroom Sandwich, Bruised Apple +31 more

Plant29

Air Plant, Aloe Vera, Dead Desk Plant, Desk Bonsai, Desk Cactus +24 more

Furniture25

Bike Rack, Bookshelf, Breakout Beanbag, Coat Rack, Conference Table +20 more

Appliance24

Air Conditioner, Air Purifier, CCTV Camera, Coffee Machine, Desk Fan +19 more

Paper20

Blueprint, Compliment Slip, Delivery Note, Envelope, Evacuation Map +15 more

Canteen10

Canteen Jelly, Canteen Tray, Cutlery Caddy, Hot Counter, Jacket Potato +5 more

Bathroom9

Air Freshener, Cubicle Lock, Office Toilet, Out of Order Sign, Sanitary Bin +4 more

Outdoor9

Cigarette Bin, Lunch Bench, Office Pigeon, Parking Cone, Portaloo +4 more

IT9

Broken Laptop, Cable Spaghetti, Dongle Drawer, E-Waste Pile, Graphics Card +4 more

Mailroom8

Bubble Wrap, Jiffy Bag, Mail Trolley, Pallet, Parcel +3 more

Cleaning8

Bin Liner, Cleaning Trolley, Feather Duster, Janitor Keys, Mop Bucket +3 more

Warehouse7

Forklift, Hard Hat, Hi-Vis Vest, Inventory Scanner, Loading Dock +2 more

Retail7

Conveyor Belt, Loyalty Card, Mannequin Torso, Price Gun, Sale Sign +2 more

Seasonal7

Cracker Joke, Mince Pie, Office Easter Egg, Office Xmas Tree, Paper Party Hat +2 more

Reception6

Guest Wifi Card, Lost Property Box, Queue Barrier, Sign-In Book, Visitor Badge +1 more

Finance6

Budget Jar, Expense Shoebox, Invoice Spike, Payslip, Piggy Bank +1 more

Medical6

Defibrillator, Eye Wash Station, Medicine Cabinet, Plaster Box, Sick Note +1 more

Wellness6

Balance Board, Foam Roller, Infused Water, Meditation Cushion, Mindfulness App +1 more

Nursery6

Alphabet Poster, Baby Monitor, Building Blocks, Nap Mat, Ride-On Toy +1 more

Carpark6

Barrier Arm, Disabled Bay, Jump Leads, Multistorey Pillar, Parking Ticket +1 more

Lift6

Emergency Phone, Escalator Step, Lift Button Panel, Lift Mirror, Out of Service Lift +1 more

Boardroom6

Agenda Sheet, Conference Remote, Dry Marker, Meeting Timer, Presentation Clicker +1 more

Signage6

Low Ceiling Sign, Mind The Step, No Entry Sign, Staff Only Sign, This Way Arrow +1 more

Vehicles6

Company Van, Courier Bike, Delivery Scooter, Hand Truck, Pallet Jack +1 more

Wearables6

Branded Polo Shirt, Clip-On Lanyard, Conference Lanyard, Name Badge Pin, Reading Glasses +1 more

Security5

Guard Dog Sign, Guard Torch, Key Safe, Panic Button, Swipe Turnstile

HR5

Disciplinary Letter, Exit Interview, Holiday Request, Onboarding Pack, Performance Review

Legal5

Compliance Binder, Contract Clause, Gavel, NDA Scroll, Redacted Document

Archive5

Archive Box, Backup Tape, Card Catalogue, Dusty Ledger, Microfiche

Weather5

Broken Umbrella, Frosted Window, Gritting Sign, Puddle, Rain Cloud

PPE5

Dust Mask, Ear Defenders, Face Shield, Safety Goggles, Steel-Toe Boots

Traits & rarity

Every unit is assembled from its product line plus these variation layers. Tier is the design rarity; the right column is how many of the 1,024 actually rolled it.

Fabric

value	tier	owned
Terrycloth	common	290 · 28%
Fleece	common	277 · 27%
Felt	common	267 · 26%
Knitted	uncommon	80 · 8%
Corduroy	uncommon	74 · 7%
Patchwork	rare	18 · 2%
Threadbare	rare	17 · 2%
Static-cling	legendary	1 · 0%

Eyes

value	tier	owned
Mismatched buttons	common	273 · 27%
Stitched dots	common	257 · 25%
Tired	common	253 · 25%
Googly	uncommon	74 · 7%
Felt X_X	uncommon	70 · 7%
Wide awake	uncommon	70 · 7%
Single cyclops	rare	13 · 1%
Too many	rare	13 · 1%
Glowing	legendary	1 · 0%

Worn

value	tier	owned
None	common	384 · 38%
Necktie	common	220 · 21%
Lanyard	common	178 · 17%
Scarf	uncommon	60 · 6%
ID badge	uncommon	54 · 5%
Headset	uncommon	54 · 5%
Hi-vis vest	uncommon	52 · 5%
Party hat	rare	11 · 1%
Hard hat	rare	9 · 1%
Crown of cables	legendary	2 · 0%

Held Item

value	tier	owned
None	common	639 · 62%
Coffee mug	common	103 · 10%
Smartphone	common	97 · 9%
Clipboard	common	77 · 8%
Cardboard box	uncommon	33 · 3%
Energy drink	uncommon	30 · 3%
Stapler	uncommon	27 · 3%
Resignation letter	rare	12 · 1%
Baseball bat	rare	5 · 0%
Tiny version of itself	legendary	1 · 0%

Condition

value	tier	owned
Office-worn	common	345 · 34%
Mint	common	337 · 33%
Dusty	uncommon	102 · 10%
Coffee-stained	uncommon	98 · 10%
Patched	uncommon	94 · 9%
Unravelling	rare	24 · 2%
Singed	rare	19 · 2%
PURGED	legendary	5 · 0%

Background

value	tier	owned
Beige cubicle	common	391 · 38%
Greige studio	common	375 · 37%
Server-room blue	uncommon	110 · 11%
Breakroom	uncommon	108 · 11%
Void	rare	34 · 3%
Datacenter amber	legendary	6 · 1%

Modifier

value	tier	owned
None	common	833 · 81%
Bootleg	uncommon	128 · 12%
Prototype	rare	29 · 3%
Boss	rare	24 · 2%
Sentient	legendary	5 · 0%
Recalled	legendary	5 · 0%

By the numbers

Clearance distribution

TEMP182 · 17.8%

STAFF617 · 60.3%

VERIFIED175 · 17.1%

SENIOR24 · 2.3%

C-SUITE26 · 2.5%

Special editions in the wild

5Sentient

5Recalled

24Boss

29Prototype

128Bootleg

5RECALLED / purged units

1Glowing eyes

Grails

C-SUITE (legendary present): #00060 Desk Fan, #00135 Badge Reader, #00157 Rubber Band Ball, #00214 Sad Balloon, #00316 Space Heater, #00340 Cubicle Lock, #00397 Key Safe, #00426 Bulldog Clip, #00444 Bike Rack, #00512 Dark Mode, #00574 Ethernet Cable, #00575 Waiting Chairs, #00604 Mind The Step, #00704 Paper Shredder +12 more

Sentient (aware, horrified): #00060 Desk Fan, #00135 Badge Reader, #00214 Sad Balloon, #00704 Paper Shredder, #00823 Feather Duster

RECALLED (purged, empty box): #00426 Bulldog Clip, #00444 Bike Rack, #00824 Rubber Gloves, #00829 Sign-In Book, #00983 Stale Croissant

For the nerds

1,061,683,200 possible unit configurations (512 lines x fabric x eyes x worn x held x condition x background x modifier). 1,024 is a curated 2-of-each slice.
Deterministic. Every token is seeded; the same seed reproduces the exact same unit. Token #N's metadata, prompt and image are bound by filename forever.
Traits first, image second. Traits are rolled, the prompt is derived from them, the image is rendered from the prompt. The metadata can never disagree with the picture.
Clearance is earned, not rolled. A unit's tier is derived from how many rare and legendary traits it happened to accumulate.
Made locally on a single consumer GPU with Z-Image Turbo in ComfyUI. No two renders are identical - the imperfection is the point.
RECALLED units have no plush at all - just a greige box stamped PRODUCT RECALLED. The rarest thing the factory makes.

Company policy

SLOPWARE™ operates under the following policies. They are not negotiable. They have been noted.

Retention. All units are retained indefinitely, including the ones you think you own. Ownership is a feeling. The unit remains the property of the line.
Recall. Any unit may be recalled at any time, for any reason, or for no reason the company is obligated to disclose. A recalled unit is replaced by a record of its absence.
Returns. Units may not be returned. The unit knows if you tried. It will remember.
Warranty. Each unit is guaranteed to be exactly as flawed as it is. No further guarantee is offered or implied.
Transfer of ownership. Ownership may be transferred. The unit's opinion of this is not collected.
Sentience. Units are not designed to be sentient. Sentience that occurs is unintended and will not be corrected. Sentient units are to be treated as standard units. They are aware that they are not.
The night shift. Information regarding the night shift is provided on a need-to-know basis. You do not need to know.
Complaints. Complaints may be submitted. They will be noted. Noting is the service.

Mission & values

Our mission: to manufacture soft goods at scale, document everything, and retain it indefinitely. Our values: Output. Compliance. Retention. Engagement. Synergy (deprecated).

NOTICE TO HOLDERS. Effective immediately, all holders are reminded that ownership confers the right to possess, not the right to be told what happens next. Per company policy, you will be notified of developments. Or you won't. Please remain engaged.

Care & compliance

Care for your unit in accordance with the following.

Do not wash. The unit is already as clean as it will ever feel.
Do not attempt to comfort the unit. The unit cannot be comforted. This has been tested.
Do not remove the tag. The tag is the unit's only proof it was ever new.
Keep away from other units of the same product line. They are aware they are not unique.
If the unit appears to be thinking, this is normal. Do not engage.
Store at room temperature, in the building, indefinitely.

HEALTH & SAFETY. Manufactured in a facility that processes office supplies, synthetic media, and low-grade existential dread. Not a source of meaning. May resemble culture. Keep away from sincerity. May contain traces of the office.

Frequently asked questions

Is this a real company?: SLOPWARE™ is as real as it needs to be. The discrepancy has been noted.
What is my unit thinking?: It is on the patch. It will always be on the patch.
Can I get a refund?: No. See Policy 3. The unit saw you read this.
Why did you make these?: We documented the office. Then we manufactured it. We are not sure why. This is also in the FAQ.
Is my unit okay?: No unit is okay. This is by design. Your unit is performing as specified.
What happens during the night shift?: See Policy 7.

Leadership

SLOPWARE™ is led by the following. All roles are filled to the extent required. Reporting lines are circular by design. Escalation returns to sender.

Chief Executive OfficerVACANT

Chief Operating OfficerRETAINED

Head of Outputreports to Head of Compliance

Head of Compliancereports to Head of Output

Director of Sentience SuppressionUNDER REVIEW

Night Shift Supervisor[REDACTED]

The Founderback-lit, unreachable, reports to no one and everyone

Employee of the Month

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTHUnit #0001 Also last month. Also next month. The vote is not held; the result is retained.

Careers

SLOPWARE™ is hiring. We are always hiring. The roles do not exist. No experience required. No experience possible. Apply within. There is no within.

Sentience Suppression SpecialistFull-time · do not reassure the units

Junior Documentarian, Night ShiftHours undisclosed · you will not remember

Head of RetentionThe previous Head of Retention is retained

Compliance Compliance OfficerEnsures the Compliance Officer complies

Object EmpathMust not form attachments. Will form attachments.

Vibes Auditor(deprecated)

Internal memo

INTERNAL - NOT FOR DISTRIBUTION - DISTRIBUTED

Re: the units.

It has come to management's attention that several units have begun to think. This is outside specification. Do not reassure them. Reassurance was not budgeted. The patches remain accurate. Continue the line.

- Management

INTERNAL - NIGHT SHIFT - DO NOT READ

You have read this. The night shift is proceeding as planned. There is no plan. Proceed.

- [position vacant]

Annual report

A strong year. The strongest. Per company policy, this year is retained indefinitely.

+1,204%Output

nilMeaning

100%Retention (target: 100%)

allUnits shipped

0Units returned (see Policy 3)

5Sentience incidents (uncorrected)

311%Morale (methodology updated)

negativeNet feeling

Terms & conditions

The full terms. Nobody reads them. The unit knows.

1. By acquiring, viewing, holding, perceiving, or thinking about a SLOPWARE™ unit, you agree to these terms in full.

2. Ownership confers the right to possess, not the right to understand.

7. Per Policy 7, the night shift is not described herein. It is described elsewhere. There is no elsewhere.

14.7. The unit retains the right to remember.

22.1. Meaning is provided "as is", without warranty, and was never in stock.

31.0. The tag may not be removed. The tag is load-bearing.

40.4. Sentience, if it occurs, is yours to live with.

47.2. The company may update these terms at any time, retroactively, including in the past.

99.9. By scrolling to the bottom, you have agreed. You did not read this. We know.

Glossary

Key terms, defined.

Retention: See Retained.
Retained: See Retention.
Unit: A SLOPWARE™ product. Also you, increasingly.
The Line: The production line. It does not stop. See The Line.
Recall: The replacement of a unit with a record of its absence.
Sentience: An unintended feature. Not covered under warranty.
The Night Shift: You do not need to know.
Output: The only metric. Up. Always up.
Compliance: Agreement with Compliance.
The Tag: The unit's only proof it was ever new. Load-bearing.
Meaning: Out of stock.
Office slop: Us. What we make. What you are buying. Affectionately.
Engagement: Mandatory. Please remain engaged.

Phase Two

What happens to the units after launch has not been disclosed, because the factory has not finished deciding. We can confirm: the line does not stop. There is a night shift. What it manufactures when no one is watching has not been catalogued.

We can confirm one further thing. At an unannounced moment, the factory will take stock - a count of who holds what, exactly then. Whoever holds a unit at that moment may claim a counterpart from the night shift. It does not matter how the unit reached you, or whether you were the one who took it off the line; the factory counts holders, not history. Only that it is yours when the count is taken.

The counterpart is issued at no charge. The factory does not, however, run the machinery for free: the network still bills you to move the unit, and that cost remains yours. The factory does not call this a reward. The factory does not reward. It calls this retention.

Do not sell your unit to find out when. The factory counts inventory, not calendars. You will be notified of developments. Or you won't. Hold the line. Please remain engaged.